Pretend (Daily Planet email #1123)

Would you like to pretend for awhile? Me, too. What would you like to be? Mmm, no, I’ve seen your breakdancing astronaut fairy, and let’s not do that again. No, your Phil Collins is uncanny in a way that makes me uncomfortable, sorry. Hey, do you want to be Senior Equity Options Volatility Traders? Right, absolutely, me neither. How about drag versions, though? Sure, I see your point, but we gotta pretend something! This status quo is so no go.

We could pretend we are famous! We could pretend we’re cops! We could pretend we’re angels who are here to save somebody from something they could work out themselves if they didn’t believe in angels! We could pretend we’re foreigners but first we have to decide which accent is the funniest. We could pretend we’re Jacksons, dibs on Tito! Just because. Or we could pretend to be each other! Sure, that’s just the same problems in different clothing, but still. We might learn something, or not.

How about we pretend we care? Ooh, you make a good caring face, very emotive and so empathetic that I almost believe you. Here, look at this one! Ha ha, I was pretending to be a medieval saint giving donut holes to the needy. Wait, let’s both nod gravely into the distance like pundits – “The situation is indeed dire, but let’s not forget how we got here.” “Look, it’s basic common sense…” Ha ha ha ha. I’m tired of caring. How about we pretend we’re ambivalent? Shouldn’t be a stretch. I’ve already started.

We could pretend we’re disreputable diamond merchants in search of one last score before we retire for good, or evil. We could pretend we were married in the 60’s – nah, we weren’t hippies, there was a lot more going on than that. We could pretend we meant well – you go first. Ah never mind, I’m not buying it. Let’s pretend we’re human. Wait – you actually are? How’d you work that one out? Jeez, what I wouldn’t give to be one of them. That’s awesome – respect! Aside from the morning breath and the bathroom stuff – respect.

Or we could pretend we’re not pretending! Wait, hear me out – if we weren’t the thing we say we are, but said we were that thing anyway, it would be like a duck in a duck blind. Masks with our own faces on them! We could be ourselves but protected by the illusion of being other. Hey, we might finally get rid of some of these “If Only’s.” I say it’s worth a try. Have you started already? Me neither, I think.

Daily Planet Productions Ltd.

Oh yeah, for sure –

I was justly accused.