Sweetestemu. (Daily Planet email #1122)
Sweetest Day has long been the red-headed stepchild of our calendar’s special days celebrating love or what-have-you, and now there’s finally a marketplace equal to the task! No, I’m not talking about wish-dot-com, whydontcha order a selfie stick too, Mr. Gangnam Style? Instead, we are talking That Titan of Tat, Temu! When you’re looking for a quick, dopamine rush of colorful, hand-imported tchotchkes that express your deepest feelings on a manufactured holiday, you should expect no less, and certainly no more, than Temu.
Do you desire something with lots of fonts about your beautiful soulmate? Do you think she’d like 35 pieces of decorative resin pocket hug? Would he wear a t-shirt that says “I survived 1 year with my girlfriend?” Are you looking for no import charges for local warehouse items for him or her or they or you? Man, get your clicking finger ready, you are gonna save a bundle, surely enough for a romantic fondue dinner at the Cheese Castle, probably if you don’t get the curds too and order less beers than usual.
Gimme for instance…!
A pair of casual autumn wear long-sleeve breathable polyester/elastane hooded sweatshirts, where one says “Somebody’s Problem” and the other says “Somebody.” It’s kind of sweet if you don’t think about it too much. $13.63, S to XXL. Please note “The price listed is for one shrit only.” Couples pay double – unfair!
Oh, here are some custom photo boxer briefs with printed kisses and two arms around the crotch and the word “MINE” and whoever’s photo you want scattered on there. It’s tasteful really, I just wish the face could change expressions. Well. here’s hoping! $10.68, L to XXXL.
Is all that luvbug stuff too darn squishy? Look no further! It’s an ultimate survival pocket knife with a wooden handle engraving, “LOVE YOU MORE.” Comes in a wooden box with a whetstone and some writing about Soulmate, Best Friend, Blah Blah, Etc. For outdoor enthusiasts, camping, hunting, and emergency situations. “Don’t come any nearer, I love you more!” Only $10.76 from those sharp fellas at Titorld of Guangdong.
No. Now look no further, because here’s a 54-piece Large 40-inch Rose Red Aluminum Film Helium Balloon Set! Honestly, you should see the picture. It’s either a stalker’s lair on SVU or the future location for the best nine-dollar apology you will ever hear! I think the seller says it best: “Valentine&Apos;S Day - Inflatable Love Bear Confession Decor with 1000 Rose Petals Helloween Christmas.” Well, if that don’t float your boat, check your bilge pump. $9.93, or if you’re the kind of person for whom money is no object, get the 63-piece version for $10.46! Both come with the finest quality assurances from the good folks at Anhuitianpuwangluokejiyouxianzerengongsi. Ask for them by name.
Or it could be you just love chocolate and ain’t nothing wrong with that. 50 mL Choco Musk Unisex Eau de Parfum, $4.60? No. Twenty-four Cadbury Creme Eggs, $117.13? Thank you, no. Qin Shan Tang medicinal mushroom cocoa, $7.10? Nope. A 16 x 24 inch tea towel that says “Hello darkness, my old friend” – with a picture of dark chocolate on it, get it? Two fonts, 100% polyester, Chinese in origin except the words, those are Paul Simon’s, $5.60 for two. What, not even that?
OK then, here’s an Industrial-grade Mini Excavator, 2000 pounds, 13.5 HP, 3-way valve, free shipping. $4846.67. Reviewers claim “Much better than expected,” which is all we can ask of any Sweetest Day. Only seats one, sorry.
Daily Planet Productions Ltd.,
who has received no compensation
for what shouldn't be construed as an endorsement.
