Kardashian Who? (Daily Planet email #1116)
We were talking the other day in group about how we never hear anything about the Kardashians anymore. Why, is there something else going on? So we asked Jeeves and he assured us the family is indeed forgotten, but not gone. Why, here are some more suits for your 52-Kard pickup!
Grandma McFlurry Quiznos Kardashian began her modeling career at Goldfish Crackers, Inc. She reads tea leaves, coffee grounds, borscht splatter, oil spills, and Danielle Steele. In a past life, she worked at Hasenpfeffer Incorporated, putting rubber gloves on top of bottles. And did you know she’s banned from entry in Keewatin, Minnesota, owing to owing a hefty bingo fee? Her cat, Przemyslowwa, is the brains of the outfit and if that doesn’t worry you, then I’ll have what you’re having.
Pantera Stryper Dokken Kardashian discovered an upper bound for the number of integer solutions to polynomials that define elliptic curves and was a co-star and intimacy coordinator for the “My Eight Dads” pilot. Her musical career began as a backup singer on “Rock and Roll, Pt. 2.” She was the one in tune. More recently, she beat the record held by Édith Piaf since 1961 as the most-listened-to French-speaking female artist in the Netherlands.
Sebadoh Gigante Kardashian didn’t want it to end this way despite having begun it this way.
Khouri Que Kardashian drinks a K-Cup, drives a K Car, shopped at K-Mart, measures temperature in Kelvin, works for Mary Kay, and loves potassium. In this way Mrs. K will challenge the world! Mmm-k?
Crivvens Faubourgs Kardashian is criminally underrated, resulting in 674 various incarcerations in Darby County alone. A formidable 5’1”, she was last seen in the vicinity of Tunapuna Market carrying a bloodied knife, and murmuring “blah blah retribution blah blah deserved it,” allegedly. She smells like Flaming Hot Funyuns and should be treated with great caution and an even greater perimeter.
Clytemnestra Dawn Treader Kardashian is a member of the legendary one-eyed people from the distant north engaged in a perpetual attempt to steal a hoard of gold guarded by griffins. Primarily hunted for her horn and her ankle bone for their salutary benefits, she may have moved to Sidmouth.
Aita Samwise Kardashian is a rocket ship builder, pizza expert, loves the Giants, parent. Lives in a Communist, Crime-Ridden Garbage Dump Hellhole Killing Field, where significantly more than 100% of new jobs are taken by migrants, a lot of people are saying. He attended Robert E. Lee High School where he was voted most likely to secede. Hey-O!
Brigadier General “Tau” Techno Mechanicus Kardashian, it says here, was at his Bar Mitzvah when someone told him he sang well, and he wasted ten years chasing that dream down. By the time he was fully disillusioned, the AI revolution was in full-swing and there was nothing for him to do but drink buttermilk on the park bench and be a freelance judge of pie-eating contests.
Aita Mae Kardashian is an inventor, dancer, philosopher, philatelist, effluencer, competitive grouser, fish mongerer, buffalo-wing commentator, hogwash peddler, former Groom of the Stool, bulkateer, headacher, chump-chewer, hoo-hah artist, chowderhead, and die-cast aficionado.
Billie Jean Jolene Fernanda Lorelei Kardashian was born in a crossfire hurricane, caught beneath the landslide of a champagne supernova, in the sky. She moves slowly, faster than a cannonball, but usually stays at home and does her pretty face. She’d dance for you in worn out shoes, if you say “Please.” I met her on a Monday and my heart stood still – then I upped and died, upped and died.
