What Does Your Favorite Jelly Bean Color Say About You Now? (Daily Planet email #1096)

Grey: You are smart and volitile, the crackling in somebody’s wire and the sparkling in somebody’s wine. It isn’t justice you seek, just a purported balance – a balance on the horizon to which you will ever, ever walk.

Grey: You live a life of mid, watching two-and-a-half star movies on a moderately-sized screen. You are reliably reliable and have been known to get a laugh, that one time when you fell. You receive the least interesting, most slight of platitudes from fortune cookies, after a meal of clear or brown sauce it doesn’t matter. If I met you, I don’t remember. You wake up in the middle of the night, and that’s probably the most interesting thing there is. Next level meh.

Grey: You have a taste for the finer things in life and nothing willl come between you and your $7000 Hermès sandals. After all, if anyone should reap the blessings of the Earth’s bounty, it’s you, right?! The poor? Please. Let them eat the cake that falls off yachts. Grey?! Stormy pewter mist!

Grey: You don’t want to cause no trouble and have never been sarcastic or churlish to power. You handle iniquity like a lamb, with silence and obeisance. You’ve learned your lesson: the land does what the land does and there you stand, alack or alas. Try to think of nothing.

Grey: This is a ridiculous choice of jelly bean and you can have all of mine. You might as well eat the Easter grass. Yuck!

Grey: You are an eternal optimist. Always the filling, never the crust it is with you. You always see the best in people and frankly we’re sick of it. You even bought tickets to Fyre Festival 2! What is wrong with you?

Grey: You have restored truth and sanity to jelly beans and celebrate all confectionery equally.

Grey: When I look in your eyes, I see the second floor of a disused municipal building, the vinyl mini blinds in all angles of disarray and a low sun spreading a dusty patina over what looks like asbestos tile. Then you blink and magic is loosened, despair is put to pasture and the answer is not clear but clearly an answer. Please don’t blink.

Grey: You are Ms. Stacey Hudgins, 43, of Findlay, Illinois. Your annual income is between 60 and 80K. You are receiving this jelly bean because you played FarmVille for 438 hours (lifetime), asked Siri “When is Easter?” and said the word gelatin twice in conversation. Your connected TV got you on a hashed list and your smartwatch tells us you didn’t sleep well last night, which makes you more suggestible.

Grey: You are inveterate, mendacious, intransigent, and contumacious. So how can it be you do everything right and people still complain? All you wanna do is plunder the resources and stay out of prison – and who wouldn’t? Unfair!  

Grey: Sometimes you think you’re gonna punch the sky and get through! You almost had a transcendent thought on love but you were vacuuming at the time. People say you’re a dreamer, and you’re the only one. Well, they’re half-right.